After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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