I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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