I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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