Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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