Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
