i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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