I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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