i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
