I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
