alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
