Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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