i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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