dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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