Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
