Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
