I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
