I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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