It's Friday. Sex?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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