Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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