I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
