Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ketchup is God's man juice
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
