I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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