After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
As shirtless as possible
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
