I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Randomize
