just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
