i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
