my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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