That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize