I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
