I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
