he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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