I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
