i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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