My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
