420 ftw
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
