I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
