Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
