no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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