She's JV to your varsity
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
