forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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