I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
