I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
