Kiss
Puke
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
