he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize