A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
