He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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