why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
