I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
