i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
