apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
