DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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