Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
