just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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