Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
