Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
