Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
