Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I faked an abortion last night.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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