Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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