Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The air taste purple.
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