I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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