Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
