can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
