My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
