please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
